As an Asian American1, in speaking to friends, family, elders, and strangers from the community about this work, the most prevalent concern I hear is:
“Aya, don’t talk about death. If you talk about it, you’ll bring it in.”
Death is taboo in many Asian cultures and I know we’re not the only ones that have this narrative running through our blood. It’s just another word for death denial which has many faces across the globe.
An opposing force of death denial is death contemplation.
Despite cultural concerns around death being taboo, I want to share the below 3 examples of Asian communities openly contemplating the reality of death in order to cope with and make sense of life.
This is so rad.
Public Cremations in Nepal
One of the most profound experiences I’ve had in this life was visiting the public funeral pyres in Kathmandu, Nepal along the Bagmati River. Watching bodies being ceremonialized and burned with loved ones weeping openly in front of hundreds of people, I felt my body overwhelmingly crawl into itself and cringe. I remember trying to explain my discomfort to our tour guide and he responded:
Yes, somehow those in the West have forgotten that death is the most natural part of life. Here in Nepal, we have the privilege of death being a public and communal experience. It is a part of our everyday life. It’s a constant reminder that it happens to everyone.
Wise Nepalese Tour Guide
Damn. My budding doula heart was grateful he threw that wisdom down.
Fake Funerals in South Korea:
In South Korea, healing centers and funeral homes have teamed up to provide “fake funerals” to the living in response to the country’s high suicide rate (2x the global average).
In just 7 years, 25,000 individuals have opted in to experiencing this free ceremony. From those that are mildly curious about death to those diagnosed with a terminal illness to those that have experienced suicidal thoughts, all are welcome to partake in this contemplation on death in order to reevaluate the preciousness of life.
The ceremony generally includes taking funeral portraits, donning burial shrouds reserved for the dead, writing a living will to include letters to loved ones, reading those wills and letters aloud if felt called to, and finally, lying in a closed coffin for about 10 minutes.
Various accounts from participants who experienced their own living funerals expressed feeling a renewed understanding of what is important in life, the reexamining of values that have led their lives so far, an appreciation of a second chance or rebirth, and the valuable opportunity to seek forgiveness and reconciliation with family and friends.
In 2015, Vice Japan made a documentary reporting on these fake funerals called “A Good Day To Die: Fake Funerals in South Korea”.
We follow the reporter Yuka Uchida as she experiences the funeral ceremony firsthand. Going in, she reports herself as a skeptic- feeling like she’s unable to convince herself that she will be able to feel the experience of “death".
After the experience, this is what she had to say:
I wouldn’t say that I’ve been born again but once I did it, I realized something.
People these days are so busy and there’s always something going on, so we don’t have time to look inside ourselves like people did in the past. That causes some of us to feel lost or become depressed. By telling you that this is your final day, and making you focus on nothing but yourself, then making you enter a private space, a casket, this session creates an ideal opportunity for contemplation.
You realize that the answers you were seeking exist inside of you.
That’s the real purpose of this near death experience.
Yuka Uchida, Vice Japan
Undertakers in Japan:
After I sent out my newsletter about Final Body Disposition, a friend of mine (Hi Howard!) reminded me of a beautiful Japanese film called Departures (2008).
Departures follows Daigo, a cellist who due to financial circumstances, has to put his music career on hold, move back to his hometown, and ends up finding work as an undertaker. As in many cultures, while an important occupation, undertaking is not considered a respectable profession. Taboos around the “dirtiness” of death and those that work in death work pervade the cultural landscape of what isn’t acceptable. We travel with Daigo as he explores what makes death “taboo” while finding wisdom in the sacredness of preparing travelers for their final destination.
If you are called to death contemplation and want to watch a beautiful film (that won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film in 2009!), you can easily watch it for free right here.
I’ll close this portion with one thought.
What I found fascinating about these three contemplations is: it wasn’t through the denial of death that allowed people new meaning in life, it was through the acceptance of its reality.
If you find yourself having fears around death or you or a loved one is in the midst of experiencing mortality anxiety, I encourage you to engage in death contemplation. The truth can dismantle the fear.
Don’t know where to start? Reach out: erika@erikalim.com
Lastly, in the spirit of death contemplation, I wanted to introduce you to two beautiful Asian sisters who have created space for me to dialogue and speak about death and doula work.
My friend Lisa May Francisco is a self-love empowerment coach, inner child guide, and EFT tapping practitioner. Her superpowers are her strong intuition and her ability to connect the dots FAST. All dots, yours, hers, alla them.
She invited me onto her podcast HeartStream Musings to talk about my work as a death doula. You can tell we had a great time recording this. Please give it a listen. :)
My friend Sheila Darcey is having her first solo art show this weekend in LA! Her superpowers are being a visionary and alchemist of art and healing.
As part of her show, she is inviting 16 practitioners as a Healing Collective to come and run programming in the beautiful space that will be displaying her art throughout the weekend.
I’ll be giving a workshop on Saturday, October 7 from 1:30-2:30p called “How to go out as light as we came in.” Please join if you can!
The entire weekend is free! RSVP is required since space is limited. Whether I see you or not, take a peep at all the dope spirits and sessions that interest you and go!
This art show will be like no other. Promise. :)
Okay i love you, be happy!
Erika
For the curious, I’m ethnically Chinese and culturally Chinese-Filipino