3 Things I Learned from Aging & End of Life Planning with My Dad

Angpao Special! What's "Angpao"? Read to the end.

If any of you have met my dad, you know that he’s a dreamer. He has the mind of an engineer with the heart of a Burner¹, albeit a Burner with steadfast Catholic values.

He’s a lover of good food and worldly experiences. His bucket list has always been comprised of the most fascinating places in history and gratefully, he has always wanted to take us along on those adventures.

He’s a natural host. He’ll pour you, and anyone in proximity, top shelf scotch and follow it up with pouring top shelf oolong tea to help sober you up. He’s famous for teaching his children the following mantra: “If you’re not having fun, it’s your fault.” He lives it out too.

Dad and me, San Juan Islands

While my Dad is a pretty open book, I’ve never read his pages about what he sees for the end of his life. I’m not sure he had given it much thought outside of the formal structure of a will or a trust.

And so, I asked for a very specific chat.

We opened up a bottle of wine and he graciously opened himself up to a blank chapter so we could write in it together.

I asked him questions, he gave me his thoughts. I wrote important things down so we have it available for whenever it will serve to be useful.

While we may have been planning for the future, the act of sharing time together to discuss important questions about the inevitabilities of aging proved to be quite comforting for both of us right now. By understanding what gives his life meaning, I felt closer to him. By listening to him share his values, I felt confident I could honor him as he ages.

While I won’t go into details of my Dad’s aging and end of life plans, I found 3 learnings from our conversation that were beneficial to our relationship now and in the future:

1. My father’s values are quite simple: God and family.

My dad is a lover of nice things, especially if they have an interesting back story or history. Some of my friends call him “Pata Negra” because he would famously bring a fancy cured meat called “Pata Negra” to parties and encourage people to try it while offering them the story behind why this specific cured meat was so special.

For this man who is a lover of delicacies and worldly experiences, I found that his values are actually quite simple: God and family. At end of life, nothing else matters to him.

We talked through a few different scenarios around illness, dementia, dependency, and end of life and with every situation, as long as his relationships to God and his family are prioritized and nurtured, he would be happy with how his care plan would be carried out.

Out of everything I learned from our conversation, if I only had this piece of information around values, I would be able to facilitate his aging experience with meaning and peace with every decision.

2. He sees death as a spiritual event.

This came as a bit of a surprise for me, not because my Dad isn’t a religious/spiritual person but because we just never spoke about his views on the significance of death and the afterlife.

I knew that my Dad has always had a close relationship to God but I hadn’t understood his conviction around what it meant for him to meet his Creator when this life on Earth is over. Understanding this gave me an insightful view into where his mental state may be as he ages and how I can assist him in his spiritual preparation.

We spoke about the Catholic last rites he wants granted, specific priest and clergy members who he finds comforting that he would want to offer him counsel during this time, and details around a Catholic service he would want for a funeral/memorial.

Got it, check check.

3. I learned about his beliefs around “quality of life” and what brings his life meaning, comfort, and peace.

The most important things we discussed together were his preference on care, caregiving and what brings him comfort.

Would he want to be in his own home with a caregiver, in a nursing home with medical staff available, living with his kids?

We spoke about what values were important to him in his care - respect, privacy, collaboration, autonomy? What personal care tasks would he want his children to assist with? Which would he prefer not?

Of course, we talked about one of the most important contributions to my Dad’s quality of life- food. He shared with me the foods he would relish in - the foods that give him meaning or bring him a level of comfort and joy.

We spoke about practical things. What possessions does he feel close to and want to offer as heirlooms? Where are all important documents stored (bank account info, passwords, long term care insurance, etc.)?

Towards end of life, who does he want surrounding him? What did he want to be remembered for? What music/sounds are playing in the background? (If my brothers are reading this, I’ll give you guys ONE guess.)

We talked about pain relief and if he had a choice, how much would he would want administered. Enough to knock him out or enough to relieve some pain yet still be conscious? What alternatives to pain medication would he be open to trying?

Sometimes his answers were very specific and some were “I don’t care.” Both are equally valuable to offer us some direction on how to best care for him in the future.

This conversation with my Dad lasted about 45 minutes but I learned more about him than in years of small, passing conversations. I learned about what he values most in this life, what makes his life meaningful, and what comforts him when things get difficult.

i cannot make you happy,

but i can commit to support you in the creation of your own happiness.

yung pueblo

I encourage this conversation to happen for all who are beginning to see their parents/grandparents/aunties/uncles getting older, not out of obligation to care for them, but because offering them space to communicate what they want actually relieves a lot of the burden and obligation of care from both sides. We can create a blueprint for how our loved ones can be cared for best so that it is not something we fear but something we can accept and prepare for.

If you or your friends/family members are interested in Aging and End of Life planning but don’t know where to start, let’s talk. I recognize the ease or difficulty of this conversation is different for each family. Let’s talk through what’s possible.

I can offer you a step by step planning guide and accompanied guidance so that you have a comprehensive plan by the end of our work together.

In honor of planning with my Dad and our Chinese heritage, for those that email me at erika@erikalim.com in the next week (before July 18th) about interest in Aging and End of Life (EOL) planning, you’ll receive an Angpao Special!

“Angpao” is the word we use in my family’s native Chinese dialect of Hokkien for a red envelope that holds a monetary gift. These envelopes are offered as gifts, especially from elders to the youth on special holidays like Chinese New Year and the youth in return, offer their blessings to their elders. Aging and EOL planning is my gift and blessing for you and your elders.

No payment for planning will be required upfront. Once we’ve developed a comprehensive plan and if you find our work together valuable, you can simply offer what you want in an angpao afterwards and that will be our exchange.

Angpao Special inquiries end on Tuesday, July 18 so if you, a friend, or a family member have interest in Aging and End of Life Planning, email me at erika@erikalim.com and we can begin work together.

Be happy!

Erika

1. a la Burning Man - A burner is someone who has embraced the social experiment of “Giving as a Way of Life.” Source: https://journal.burningman.org/2008/06/opinion/serious-stuff/what-is-a-burner-anyway/